The Bellend Times (satire)

[Satire] REFORM LAUNCHES FEARLESS NEW PAPER DEVOTED TO HOLDING ONE MAN TO ACCOUNT (IT'S HIM, HE'S THE MAN)

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform UK has launched The Reformer, a gritty new 'newspaper' whose only credited reporter is, by sheer bloody coincidence, Nigel Farage. The front page features Nigel, a labrador and the headline 'we will fix broken Britain', while elsewhere it reports the Clacton by-election as 'Farage 22,239, Establishment 0' – a thrilling scoreline that skips the bit where the main parties didn't stand and his chief rival was Count Binface. The labrador is understood to be the paper's most balanced columnist.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] MAN WHO WILL DEFEND BRITAIN'S BORDERS DEFEATED BY A BENCH

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. The hard man of British politics gave the budget a 'wide berth' after his little green seat card went walkies, fretting about a repeat of what he calls a 'physical altercation' at the state opening. Rather than perch anywhere else like a normal MP, he stayed away, then announced he was 'shocked' by £10bn for Ukraine and doubled down on tax cuts for crypto. Musical chairs remains the one contest Reform has never won.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] FARAGE £5M WAS FOR SECURITY, OR BREXIT, OR WHATEVER YOU'RE HAVING

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Nigel told the Sun his £5m from Christopher Harborne was 'a reward for campaigning for Brexit for 27 years', which surprised everyone who'd been told it was for security. Now a close aide, filmed undercover, says the Brexit-reward version was 'not press office line' – confirming Reform does have a line, and Nigel just isn't on it. A standards investigation is pending, so we'll say no more, other than: where do we sign up?

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] TAKE BACK CONTROL OF OUR WATERS, PLEDGES MAN WHO CAN'T FIND PLYMOUTH

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Standing in Plymouth on his '100 Days to Save Britain' tour, Nigel hailed 'a big fishing fleet here in Portsmouth' – roughly 170 miles and one bitter Dockyard Derby off target. His own supporters booed him, which takes some doing. He apologised and added that Portsmouth's fleet was 'very small', thereby insulting two cities for the price of one.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: JOE.

[Satire] REFORM POLL OF 1,000 PEOPLE TURNS OUT TO BE 562 PEOPLE ANSWERING A DIFFERENT QUESTION

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Essex Reform deputy leader Russell Quirk defended £150,000 of private security patrols with a poll he said had 1,000 respondents. Byline Times reports it had 562, unweighted, asked about police rather than security guards, was run through his own PR firm, and started three days before the visit that supposedly inspired it – foresight Mystic Meg would envy. Asked for detail, he told councillors to 'take our word for it'; the pollster, in fairness, says it doesn't believe he set out to mislead.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Byline Times.

[Satire] REFORM MAYOR LANDS IN LINCOLNSHIRE FROM SPACE, WHICH IS STILL CLOSER THAN YORKSHIRE

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Dame Andrea Jenkyns made her grand entrance at the Great Exhibition of Lincolnshire on a smoke-filled driverless bus, in a spacesuit, clutching a helmet, as speaking and dancing robots looked on. Local trade unionists would now like to know what the bash cost, since last year's reportedly came to about £69,000. Houston, we have a receipt.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Left Foot Forward.

[Satire] PATRIOT LEADER UNABLE TO CONFIRM WHETHER THE KING IS BRITISH ENOUGH

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Asked on Radio 4 whether King Charles counts as a 'white Briton' under the definition behind Rupert Lowe's favourite statistic – both parents born in the UK, and Prince Philip was born on Corfu – the Restore Britain leader replied, 'we can split hairs.' Nick Robinson pointed out they weren't splitting hairs; Lowe then complained he'd actually come on to talk about an economic paper. Whether His Majesty now needs to dig out his paperwork remains unclear.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] REFORM VOWS TO GET THREE MILLION SCOTS BACK TO WORK, INCLUDING WEANS AND YER GRANNY

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform's Scottish leader Malcolm Offord pledged to get 'three million Scots back to work' in a country of about 5.5 million where roughly 105,000 are actually unemployed. Reform declined to show its working, which at least is consistent. Opponents called it 'economically illiterate'; we'd call it a bold plan to put every toddler in Paisley on a zero-hours contract.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The National.

[Satire] RESTORE BRITAIN SURGES TO VICTORY IN 21 SCOTTISH SEATS, THEN ZERO, AFTER SOMEONE CHECKS THE SUMS

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Rupert Lowe hailed a 'remarkable' poll showing Restore Britain ahead of Reform and the Tories in 21 Scottish seats. Then someone fixed a calculation error and the number became, er, none – with the mistake spotted by fellow right-winger Raheem Kassam, which must have nipped. Restore didn't respond, presumably still counting on its fingers.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The National.

[Satire] REFORM WALES LEADER: 'WHAT A WONDERFUL SIGHT' – MINUTES AFTER COLLEAGUE CALLED WALES' WORLD ROLE A 'WASTE'

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform's Senedd leader Helen Jenner hailed rally champ Elfyn Evans and the 'wonderful sight' of 'y ddraig goch flying on the world stage' – minutes after her own colleague called Wales' international relations an 'indulgence' and a 'waste'. The First Minister pointed out the irony to audible laughter. The dragon has asked for written clarification on whether it's allowed a passport.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Nation.Cymru.

[Satire] REFORM CELEBRATES PROUD NEWPORT LANDMARK LOCATED IN MIDDLESBROUGH

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform's Newport & Islwyn branch put out an AI-generated poster calling on proud locals to stand for the council, illustrated with Middlesbrough's Tees Transporter Bridge rather than Newport's own Grade I-listed one – and called the city a 'town' for good measure. It scraped 10 likes, one from the branch itself and two from accounts run by their own Senedd Member, who didn't appear to notice either. Local pride: automated, outsourced and in the wrong bloody country.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Nation.Cymru.

[Satire] REFORM DISCOVERS HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS, IS FUMING ABOUT IT ON X

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform lost Dudley's St James's ward to Labour by two votes – 874 to 872 – while Rupert Lowe's Restore Britain hoovered up 159. Richard Tice took to X with the considered analysis 'Vote Restore, get Labour', the first Reform slogan in history to be strictly accurate. The hard right is splitting into ever smaller pieces, and frankly we're here for the sequel: 'Vote Restore Restore, get Restore'.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The London Economic.

[Satire] PRESIDENT PROPOSES NAMING ENTIRE STRETCH OF OCEAN AFTER HIMSELF, ADDS THREE QUESTION MARKS

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. 'Should we change the name Hormuz Strait to TRUMP STRAIT???' the President asked Truth Social, promising it would be 'hotter' than ever before. This came less than a week after he signed an order renaming Lake Ontario 'Lake America'. Asked later if he really meant it, he suggested he didn't – so the Trump Strait joins the Trump Steak in the great buffet of things that were never quite real.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: CNBC.

[Satire] AFD YOUTH STAR ANNEXES HALF OF EUROPE ON X, RESIGNS 'FOR PERSONAL REASONS'

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. On German Unity Day a board member of the AfD's youth wing, posting as 'Helmut', shared a 'Greater Germany' map that helpfully hoovered up Alsace, Moselle, Austria, Luxembourg and bits of Switzerland and Italy. Even a lawmaker from France's far-right National Rally told him to wind his neck in – 'Alsace and Moselle are French and will remain so' – which is like being told to calm down by a bloke in a St George's cape. He deleted it, insisted he hadn't called for annexations, and stepped down 'for personal reasons'.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Hürriyet Daily News.

[Satire] FARAGE AND BARDELLA SIGN HISTORIC DEAL, NOW JUST NEED TO AGREE WHAT IT SAYS

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Nigel Farage and Jordan Bardella shook on a pact over migrant returns, only for French media to wonder whether Bardella had been duped – and whether the French translation said what Farage thought it said. France's Europe minister accused Bardella of 'submission', Marine Le Pen declined to comment until a time of her choosing, and Reform insists it was all agreed. Entente cordiale, lost in Google Translate.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] PROUD GERMAN NATIONALISTS SPENT AGES WRITING SOPPY CARD TO AMERICAN BLOKE

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. A leaked trove of 420,000-odd emails shows Germany's AfD going to great lengths to court Trump and his Maga mates – including agonising over an obsequious 2016 congratulatory telegram wishing that his 'hopes as a person be fulfilled'. Trump has since repaid the love with a Truth Social post ending 'MGGA!!!'. Nothing says 'fiercely independent nation' quite like a grovelling greetings card to Washington.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] TRUMP SECURES HISTORIC GREENLAND DEAL GIVING AMERICA EVERYTHING IT ALREADY HAD

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. The President hailed his new Greenland security pact as 'a dream come true', though analysts struggled to spot what it gives the US that the 1951 agreement didn't. Danish paper Berlingske ran the headline 'Don't tell Trump that it's the Kingdom of Denmark that has won', and a Danish MEP noted you can achieve almost anything if you let others take the credit. Coming soon: Trump negotiates historic access to his own fridge.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Unilad.

[Satire] FARAGE UNVEILS ECONOMIC RESCUE PLAN TO PACKED AUDIENCE OF CHAIRS

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform's big pre-budget 'economic rescue plan' at Lindley Hall drew so many empty seats that guests were reportedly shuffled behind the podium so it'd look rammed on the telly. Nigel blamed 'staff incompetence', explaining that 'on Mondays, people who run businesses tend to be rather busy' – a groundbreaking economic insight nobody on his team had apparently clocked. The chairs declined to comment but looked sceptical about the costings.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Evening Standard.

[Satire] DEFENDERS OF CHRISTIAN BRITAIN FURIOUS AT CHURCH FOR DOING CHURCH STUFF

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Unite the Right UK held an anti-immigration rally outside Doncaster Minster, only to discover it clashed with bell-ringing practice, which duly drowned out the speeches. The guardians of Christian heritage then got so cross with the actual Christian vicar that police had to form a line between them and him. Meanwhile UKIP's big London march mustered around 20 people against roughly 150 counter-protesters. Ding dong, the vibe is dead.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Searchlight.

[Satire] WEEKS OF ONLINE HYPE DELIVERS 50 BLOKES, A PUB AND A SPEECH NOBODY COULD HEAR

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. After weeks of furious online promotion, Dover's 'March Against Illegal Immigration' mustered around 50 activists, who assembled – predictably, says Searchlight – at the Golden Lion pub before speeches nobody could actually hear. One leading light didn't even turn up, being busy hanging banners off an M20 bridge to advertise the next one. Revolution postponed; long drive home confirmed.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Searchlight.

[Satire] JENRICK IMMORTALISED IN 88FT TAPESTRY, APPEARS ON IT AT ROUGHLY ACTUAL SIZE

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. The Conservatives unveiled a 27-metre 'Birmingham tapestry' at their conference, and there among the stitching is Robert Jenrick – a tiny figure, wailing. One shadow cabinet member offered the review that 'he's not even a good machiavellian', which is the sort of thing you'd want on your gravestone. Historians expect the Bayeux Tapestry to issue a statement saying it at least had a decent plot.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] MAN WHO WAS A TORY FIVE MINUTES AGO SHOCKED TO DISCOVER TORIES ARE POSH

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Robert Jenrick has unleashed his fiercest weapon on his old boss: a nickname. 'Kensington Kemi', he called her, repeatedly, before warning that a pact with the Tories would be like being 'handcuffed to a zombie' – a phrase he presumably workshopped while still handcuffed to them. He also took aim at people who can't find Ottolenghi ingredients, a bold populist cry for the sumac-deprived. Farage, asked about a pact, said 'extremely unlikely', so the zombie is safe for now.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] JENRICK: FARAGE BASICALLY NELSON MANDELA WITH A PINT

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Robert Jenrick has revealed that Nigel Farage has 'probably done more than almost anybody else to stand against racism and the far right' – news that will come as a surprise to almost anybody else. Quite who the 'almost' covers remains unclear, but we assume it's a short list headed by a couple of saints. Nobel Peace Prize nominations, presumably, to follow.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] JENRICK SLAMS JOURNALIST FOR ASKING JOURNALISM AT HIM

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Asked on GMB whether he had 'defector's remorse' – what with the half-empty hall and YouGov putting Reform third on 20% – Robert Jenrick bravely diagnosed the real problem: Paul Brand is 'a left-wing commentator and activist'. 'You always just ask negative questions,' he complained. Brand pointed out that he is in fact the journalist who helped reveal partygate, which is the kind of left-wing activism that used to get Tory ministers sacked. Future questions will presumably need to arrive gift-wrapped.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Left Foot Forward.

[Satire] REFORM'S RIGOROUS NEW VETTING PROCESS REVEALED: HAVE YOU TRIED THE DELETE BUTTON?

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Undercover filming by ITV appears to show a local Reform chairman helpfully advising a would-be candidate to delete posts supportive of Tommy Robinson before applying. Reform says it has 'improved and prioritised its vetting procedures', which we can only assume now include a second, larger delete button. Applicants are reminded that the party's selection test remains open-book, provided the book has been cleared of history.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: BBC News.

[Satire] REFORM'S ZIA YUSUF APPEARS ON BBC FOR NINTH TIME, LOSES TO A MAN WITH A BLOG

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Zia Yusuf, a man the BBC apparently cannot stop silencing, made his fourth Question Time appearance of the year and his ninth since 2024. It went so well that he and Alastair Campbell ended up calling each other liars, before net zero did him like a kipper. Campbell's post-match review: everyone toasted Daisy Cooper's birthday except Yusuf, who 'legged it with his status symbol bodyguard', and he 'has lovely shoes though, but a very weak handshake'. Brutal, but the shoes are getting five stars from us.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: JOE.

[Satire] REFROM UK VOWS TO RESTORE PRIDE IN THE ENGLISH LANGAUGE

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform's candidate in the Holborn and St Pancras by-election sent voters a letter that bravely avoided mentioning Reform anywhere in the text – then signed off, at the bottom, as 'Refrom UK'. The party that wants everyone to speak proper English can presumably now be expected to take back control of the letters R, E, F, O and M, in whatever order they land. Spellcheck has been reported to the Home Office for being foreign.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: JOE.

[Satire] ANTI-ELITE PARTY TO DELIVER 15 MILLION COPIES OF ITS OWN PRAVDA, FREE TO ALL (TERMS AND BILLIONAIRES APPLY)

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform, the brave enemy of rich men controlling the media, is to post its own eight-page newspaper to 15 million homes in order to 'bypass traditional media'. Critics noted that this is, technically, a newspaper paid for by crypto money being shoved through your letterbox, and one reader welcomed the free toilet paper 'in these trying times'. Recycling centres across Britain have been placed on amber alert.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Left Foot Forward.

[Satire] FARAGE PROMISES STRAIGHT TALKING, IMMEDIATELY ANNOUNCES HE WILL BE SIDESTEPPING

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Nigel Farage, the man who 'says what everyone's thinking', was asked in Lancashire about the row the local press has christened 'Fartgate'. His answer, delivered with refreshing honesty: 'it's a very good question, one that I'm going to do my absolute best to sidestep completely.' For the record, the councillor involved says it was down to prescribed medication, so the only thing we're laughing at here is the nimblest footwork Nigel has shown since the Brexit bus.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Lancashire Telegraph.

[Satire] PATRIOTS ACCIDENTALLY MAKE POPPIES NEED A PERMISSION SLIP

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform's Walsall leader drew up a council dress code so carefully crafted that, as written, councillors would have had to notify the chair before wearing a poppy, a flag pin badge or a military medal – the three things Reform councillors are mainly made of. A last-minute amendment removed them, but the whole thing was rejected anyway as unenforceable, with opponents calling it 'showboating' and 'clumsy'. Next week: a motion requiring advance notice before saluting.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Express & Star.

[Satire] MAN EARNING £1,476 AN HOUR FROM X POSTS FINDS ONE PART OF BRITAIN THAT WORKS

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Restore Britain's Rupert Lowe is on course to pocket nearly as much from posting on Elon Musk's X as he does from being an MP – around £93,000 this year, against a salary of £98,599. Since June that works out at about £1,476 per hour of declared posting, which is a lot of money to be this angry. It may be the only corner of the British economy currently performing to his satisfaction.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] REFORM'S BAD BOYS BRAVELY TAKE ON SENEDD COFFEE TROLLEY

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Possibly ask about the coffee. Reform MSs Cai Parry-Jones and Iain McIntosh rocked up at a Senedd staff briefing, then posted their official photos with sunglasses edited on, soundtracked by 'Bad Boys'. The great outrage turned out to be a grab-and-go coffee area. McIntosh – shadow minister for government efficiency, no less – blasted 'sensitive civil servants', efficiently skipping the fact that Commission staff aren't civil servants. 'We have arrived,' declared Parry-Jones, mostly at the Costa queue.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Nation.Cymru.

[Satire] CARDIFF MS DISCOVERS CARDIFF, DELETES LONDON

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Joe Martin, who represents Cardiff Penarth in the Welsh Parliament, took to Facebook to salute London as 'Our nation's capital', with a rousing 'Rule, Britannia!' for good measure. Social media users gently pointed out that the capital of the nation he actually sits in is Cardiff – the very city in his job title. The post was gone within a day, faster than you can say 'Croeso i Gaerdydd'. Sat-navs across Penarth have been issued with a strongly worded update.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Nation.Cymru.

[Satire] REFORM MS INSISTS COLLEAGUE'S SPEECH-READING SPECS WERE PURELY FOR LOOKING COOL

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. When Senedd Members wondered whether Reform's Jason O'Connell was reading his lines off a pair of smart glasses, colleague Art Wright leapt to the defence: 'Go with the times all Jason did was look a little more cool than normal.' A Reform spokesperson called it the 'next step', which in Reform terms means the step after reading the speech yourself. The Llywydd has asked members to run such kit past him first, ending Wales's brief cyborg era.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Nation.Cymru.

[Satire] REFORM PLEDGES TO SUPPORT WELSH LANGUAGE, GETS TWO OUT OF THREE WORDS WRONG

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Nigel Farage and Dan Thomas proudly held aloft Reform's signed Welsh manifesto, emblazoned with the stirring words 'Teulu, gymuned, wlad'. Welsh speakers swiftly noted that 'community' and 'country' should be 'cymuned' and 'gwlad', making it a solid 33% – roughly Reform's hit rate on facts. The manifesto, to be fair, did pledge to 'support the Welsh language', which is clearly going to need all the support it can get.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: WalesOnline.

[Satire] FEARLESS REFORM MAN PULLS OUT OF DEBATE OVER NEWSPAPER'S SHOCKING ABILITY TO COUNT

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Reform's Thomas Kerr announced he 'refused' to take part in The National's Holyrood hustings, apparently because the paper had done some arithmetic on Reform's candidate list and found it had an 'unusually high' number of men. Facing the terrifying prospect of being asked about it out loud, he bravely stayed at home. Opponents said Reform was 'running scared', which is unfair: it is possible he was merely jogging.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The National.

[Satire] REFORM DATES DUP AND TUV AT SAME TIME, ASSURES BOTH THAT NIGEL DIDN'T MEAN THAT THING HE SAID

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. In a romantic weekend in Northern Ireland, Reform sent Robert Jenrick to a DUP dinner and Danny Kruger to rival TUV's conference, which in unionist circles is the equivalent of booking two dates at the same Harvester. Asked about Farage once saying a united Ireland would happen 'one day', Jenrick reassured everyone: 'That is not his view I can assure you.' Jenrick: now available as a Farage-to-English interpreter for weddings, funerals and Orange halls.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: BBC News NI.

[Satire] 75,000 ONLINE PATRIOTS DESCEND ON MANCHESTER, ALL 60 OF THEM

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. North West Patriots boast 75,000 supporters on social media. Come the big day in Manchester, around 60 actually turned up, which is a conversion rate that would get a double-glazing salesman sacked. They were outnumbered by at least 300 to 400 anti-racists, while another 20 or so ended up kettled on a tram platform in St Peter's Square with, as Searchlight puts it, 'nowhere to go but home'. The event was billed as 'Churchill's Angels', despite an almost total absence of angels, women, or Churchill.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Searchlight.

[Satire] 'BIGGEST EVER' PATRIOT DEMO FILLS ALMOST HALF A WETHERSPOONS

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. After a 'tsunami of retina-burning AI slop' promoting it, the Pink Ladies' 'biggest ever' national demo hit Dover's beaches with roughly 120 people – enough to fill a decent-sized Wetherspoons, if half of them went for a vape. The movement's biggest name, Tommy Robinson, 'only tweeted his support from afar', while the fancy-dress round was won by a bloke dressed as a crusader. If that's the biggest ever, we dread to think what the small ones look like. Two blokes and a laminated sign, presumably.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Searchlight.

[Satire] AUSSIE FIREBRAND FLIES 10,000 MILES TO WARN EMPTY CHAIRS ABOUT LONDON

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. One Nation's Pauline Hanson travelled from Australia to address CPAC London, where fewer than a quarter of the seats were filled and at least a dozen of the roughly 120 people present were journalists. She called it a 'fact-finding mission'; the main fact found was that nobody came. Her verdict on the host city – 'London, no thank you' – was warmly received by London, which returned the sentiment in person by staying home.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: ABC News (Australia).

[Satire] TRUSS CONFERENCE OUTLASTED BY A LETTUCE (SPECTATOR WAS ASLEEP)

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. CPAC came to London with its chair, Liz Truss, opening proceedings to a few dozen people – the most intimate gathering of believers since the mini-budget. One attendee reported 'more life in a supermarket clearance bin', a journalist offered 'Couldn't run the country and can't run a conference', and at least one delegate gave his own review by falling asleep 'snoring loudly'. The exhibitor hall was deserted, which we can only describe as Trussonomics in action.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: ABC News (Australia).

[Satire] BRITAIN FIRST, PAPERWORK LAST: PARTY RACKS UP £8,550 IN FINES FOR FORGETTING HOMEWORK

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. The self-appointed defenders of British rules and order have been fined £4,500 by the Electoral Commission for handing in their accounts late – a month after a separate £4,050 fine, making £8,550 in roughly five weeks. Back in 2024 they were fined £1,500, which went up to £1,875 because they didn't pay it on time. Searchlight notes it's the members who get asked to chip in, so if you're in Britain First: congratulations, you're the fund.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Searchlight.

[Satire] BRITISH PATRIOTS FURIOUS AT FOREIGN COUNTRY FOR CONTROLLING ITS OWN BORDERS

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Restore Britain speakers had planned a trip to a 'remigration' conference near Paris, only for France to ban the whole thing. Restore's Charlie Downes called it a 'Despicable heavy-handed approach to try and shut us down', a passionate defence of everyone's right to stroll into another country and lecture its people about who should be allowed in. Spokespeople for irony say they have never been so busy.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Searchlight.

[Satire] BOLSONARO JR LOSES BY 4.4 MILLION VOTES, DEMANDS RECOUNT OF REALITY

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Flávio Bolsonaro has lost Brazil's presidential election to Lula by 51.79% to 48.21% – some 4.4 million votes – and, keeping it in the family, refused to concede and asked for the result to be annulled. Lula called it 'a defeat for denialism', which is going to be a tough one to deny. A request for best-of-three presumably follows.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Guardian.

[Satire] WILDERS IN MOURNING AS HUNGARY DUMPS 'ONLY LEADER WITH BALLS' FOR TWO-THIRDS MAJORITY

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. After 16 years, Hungarian voters handed Viktor Orbán a landslide defeat – Péter Magyar's Tisza party took 138 of 199 seats – and even Orbán called it 'painful but clear'. Not everyone took it so well: Dutch hard-right leader Geert Wilders posted that 'Orbán was the only leader with balls in the EU', calling it 'A sad day'. The voters of Hungary appear to have checked, and found the plural optimistic.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: DutchNews.nl.

[Satire] TRUMP SET TO BECOME UNDEFEATED ALL-TIME CHAMPION OF PRIZE THAT NO LONGER EXISTS

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Football's governing body may scrap the FIFA Peace Prize it invented and handed to Donald Trump last December – which would make him its first and only winner, forever. It is the ultimate Trump achievement: a trophy with a 100% win rate, a field of one, and an organiser now debating whether to delete it. It sits proudly alongside his unbeaten record in the Trump Strait Regatta, which also does not exist.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Al Jazeera.

[Satire] WOULD-BE GOVERNOR PROMISES TO LIFT OHIO, CAN'T LIFT A FOURTH-GRADER

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Vivek Ramaswamy, who hopes to carry the state of Ohio, attempted to hoist a 10-year-old onto the stage at a Trump rally and needed a second go when the lad nearly slipped. (The kid was fine and is the only person in this story who did nothing wrong.) Commentators called it 'embarrassing' and 'Absolutely brutal'. Meanwhile, the headliner told the crowd he knows more than 'anybody anywhere in the world', presumably including how to lift children.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: indy100.

[Satire] PRESIDENT WHO HAS 'NEVER STUDIED THE BODY OF A MAN' PROVIDES 4,000-WORD STUDY

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Donald Trump has assured America that he 'never studied the body of a man before' and 'It's not my thing' – before going on, at two separate rallies, to review a senator's backside in a level of detail normally reserved for a structural survey. CNN's Anderson Cooper responded with a montage of the President admiring blokes' physiques, crowning him the 'assman-in-chief'. The White House is yet to confirm whether the Husted review will appear in the presidential library.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: The Independent.

[Satire] WHITE HOUSE UNVEILS 'BIRD'S-EYE VIEW' AS SEEN BY A WORM

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. The official White House account shared a stirring 'bird's-eye view of the ballroom' – taken from the ground, looking up. New York's governor's press office helpfully supplied a picture of two penguins captioned 'The bird in question', while a parody Larry the Cat asked the question on everyone's lips: 'Was the bird dead?' The only bird with that view, one assumes, is one lying flat on its back on the South Lawn.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: indy100.

[Satire] 'WE RE-SKINNED IT': PRESIDENT DESCRIBES WHITE HOUSE RENOVATION IN TERMS LAST USED BY HANNIBAL LECTER

Mon, 02 Nov 2026 00:47:38 GMT

SATIRE. Stung by Barack Obama likening his White House makeover to 'Saddam Hussein opening a Cheesecake Factory', Donald Trump hit back, calling Obama a 'lousy president' and explaining his own design philosophy: 'We re-skinned it.' He added that he is 'a very clean person' and the building is in 'the best shape it's been since 1792', which, as Newsweek notes, is the year they started building it. The Cheesecake Factory, for its part, can hardly complain about the free advertising.

This is a joke rewrite. The real report: Newsweek.