MAN WHO WAS A TORY FIVE MINUTES AGO SHOCKED TO DISCOVER TORIES ARE POSH
Robert Jenrick has unleashed his fiercest weapon on his old boss: a nickname. 'Kensington Kemi', he called her, repeatedly, before warning that a pact with the Tories would be like being 'handcuffed to a zombie' – a phrase he presumably workshopped while still handcuffed to them. He also took aim at people who can't find Ottolenghi ingredients, a bold populist cry for the sumac-deprived. Farage, asked about a pact, said 'extremely unlikely', so the zombie is safe for now.
THE BORING BIT: WHAT THE REAL REPORT SAYS
Jenrick repeatedly called Kemi Badenoch 'Kensington Kemi', said any coalition would be like being 'handcuffed to a zombie', mocked people who can't find Ottolenghi ingredients and attacked 'bungs for Belgravia'; Farage said a pact was 'extremely unlikely'.
Our short summary of the original – read the full report for context. Everything above it is satire.
REAL STORY The Guardian · 9 Oct 2026: “Robert Jenrick launches scathing broadside against ‘Kensington Kemi’”
Gaffe-o-Meter: Robert Jenrick · Outfit: Reform UK