JENRICK IMMORTALISED IN 88FT TAPESTRY, APPEARS ON IT AT ROUGHLY ACTUAL SIZE
The Conservatives unveiled a 27-metre 'Birmingham tapestry' at their conference, and there among the stitching is Robert Jenrick – a tiny figure, wailing. One shadow cabinet member offered the review that 'he's not even a good machiavellian', which is the sort of thing you'd want on your gravestone. Historians expect the Bayeux Tapestry to issue a statement saying it at least had a decent plot.
THE BORING BIT: WHAT THE REAL REPORT SAYS
At Tory conference a 27-metre (88ft) 'Birmingham tapestry' depicted defector Robert Jenrick as a tiny wailing figure; a shadow cabinet member said 'he's not even a good machiavellian'; the paper recalls Lord Ashcroft having to prod him to applaud.
Our short summary of the original – read the full report for context. Everything above it is satire.
REAL STORY The Guardian · 7 Oct 2026: “Tories delight as satirical tapestry pokes fun at ‘turncoat’ Robert Jenrick”
Gaffe-o-Meter: Robert Jenrick · Outfit: Reform UK